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One Year
When we got Bella in 2014, I remember thinking of how, after losing Angel the year before, we would have 15 years or more the Bella. A year ago we came home to an empty house. Traci quietly packed away the feeder and watering station while I sat lost and empty on the couch. Time has played its tricks, sometimes convincing me that pain of her loss has faded over the past twelve months, but while it has lost some of its potency, the ache, the underlying sadness is still there. We will always miss you, Bella. We will always love you.
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Last Night in the Office
Classes began in a staggered way this term. I have six, down from the exhausting schedule I had last fall but more than enough to keep me busy this term, and until today, enough to blunt the stream of melancholy anniversaries as we approach the end of our first full year without Bella. The sadness seemed to finally be dissipating, and though I hate the term, I finally though that I was letting go. We made the difficult decision to euthanize Bella at the end of February after the palliative effects of the NSAID therapy diminished. When her lymph node burst a few days later, we knew she wouldn’t make…
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Decline
Cancer can be a strangely incongruent disease: subtle, slow almost silent. Until it isn’t. One year ago yesterday, Bella was as playful, friendly, and quirky as she had even been. A year ago today, everything changed. She became lethargic, uninterested in playing and struggling to eat. We’d seen the warning sign for several days; we knew this day would come, and we feared it for weeks, but there’s really no way to prepare for it when the change happens. I was fortunate enough to have a long break between semesters when, for the most part, Bella was relatively healthy. The warning signs were there of course. The tumor under her…
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Eleven Months
The profile shows one of Bella’s many quirks: “Fifth foot.” Sometimes, she seemed more liquid than cat. We were in Pittsburgh a year ago visiting Traci’s family. I wanted to stay home with Bella, as I knew that at some point soon, she would take a turn for the worse. This knowledge clouded my break, though I was and remain grateful for the time I got to spend with her. The tumor ulcerated late in December, and I detected a small bump at the base of her neck before we left. We returned to a warm greeting–and a greatly enlarged mass just above her right shoulder. The cancer had spread…
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10 Months
This was a long, difficult semester; eight classes at three schools full of students who are still adjusting to life after the pandemic. The classes, grading, and committee work masked some of my grief. At one point in September, I started to think that I was really healing at last. Then I had a bad day in the middle of October. Masking isn’t real progress. This season marks the anniversary of Bella’s cancer and decline, and I already know that this will be a hard break. This time last year, we learned that the veterinary oncologist couldn’t see Bella until the last week in January, dashing our one slim hope…
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2022: Recurrence
We awoke nine months ago to find Bella hiding under the bed, her breaths coming in rapid groans. We’d euthanize her six hours later. It’s hard to believe that the emaciated, enervated cat on the Ottoman was the same tabby we brought to our new home the previous August. Though she’d had her share of scares and issues, she had survived and thrived through each crisis, culminating with her recovery from cancer in 2020. Twenty Twenty Two had been a difficult yet exhilarating year. We’d started house-hunting the previous fall in one of the worst markets in decades, but after dozens of showing and a dozen bids, 13 was our…
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October 27
Traci found the lump under Bella’s jaw a year ago today. Bella had recently had dental work following a tooth abscess in September; though the mass wasn’t near an affected tooth, we hoped it was a reaction to the surgery. She was to visit the vet for a follow up the next day, so the timing was relatively fortuitous. Dr Hoerner would perform a fine needle aspirate on the lump during the checkup. And we had good reason to worry. Bella was a robust if slightly chubby cat, but she’d had more than her share of health issues. She suffered from food sensitivity and an irritable bowel. Changes in weather…
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Eight Months
It has been some time since my last post. The semester is half done, and as I expected, my hectic schedule hasn’t allowed for the kind of pensive reflection that dominated the summer. At times, I felt like I was healing or perhaps “moving on,” though I’ve always disliked that phrase for some reason. It reminds me that Bella’s life is now a fixed point, and the passage of time carries me further away. But I’m still hurting, and the rare free time over the recent fall break allowed my grief to resurface. We’re also fast approaching the anniversary of the return of her cancer, and I know that the…
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A Year Ago . . .
We were in the final throes of our move from the Green Street apartment to our house in the University neighborhood. It was Bella’s second move, and true to form, she settled in in spite of the chaos. She greatly appreciated having the mattresses on the floor, and though she tended to avoid the bed in the summer heat, she joined us nightly despite the searing days ending that August. The air conditioning helped, I’m sure. On a different note, we adopted Callie, a gray tortie, on Sunday. One of Traci’s coworkers fostered her after a neighbor found her under a deck. She’s about the same age Bella was when…
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Calico Beauty: Angel
Before Bella, there was Angel, our often intense, intelligent, shy, and dominant calico. Traci brought Angel home unexpectedly in the spring of 2000. Angel, who had spent months at Petsmart, was two years old. Her previous family surrendered her to the shelter before they moved, though we often wondered if they simply didn’t appreciate her unique personality. Angel spent her first few days with us hiding under our armoire. She was with us for two moves; each time, she would vanish for a shorter time, but she was never a social creature with strangers, though she did once venture into our elderly neighbors’ apartment below us when we lived in…
